Douche Chills Part II

The Olympics are Bullshit

Let me begin by saying, I like the Olympics. Ever since I was a kid, I enjoyed watching the Olympics and always got into the spirit of the event. I think the idea of the Olympics is a noble and valuable one -- an event that, once every four years, allows all the countries of the world to come together without political ideologies or conflicts entering into it, and play together as a global village. I love that idea.

That being said, the Olympics as they exist today, are bullshit. I'm so disgusted with what the Olympics have become in the past decade, I couldn't bear to watch more than an hour of coverage at a time.

The great thing about the Olympics was always been the spirit of the games and the fact that it wasn't all about winning -- the notion of sportsmanship and how the real honor of the Games was to compete at all. But, of course, people love a winner, so these days it's really just turns out to be all about who won.

What really pissed me off, though, is all the people who whined during the first week of the Games about how Canada hadn't medalled and sparked a debate regarding government funding for potential Olympians.

First of all, fucktards, the Olympics aren't supposed to be about winning. It's an ideal. It's about people performing to be the best they can, and competing and interacting against competitors from other countries, and expanding their worldview at the same time. It's supposed to be an opportunity to see other countries -- those countries that you hear named on the news every night -- as people as opposed to geographic regions. The Olympics are about sportsmanship, the idea of performing the best to your abilities, and world peace.

Now we've turned it into a fucking medal count and a chance for pedophiles to stare at 16 year old girls stuffed into tiny skin-tight leotards for any sign of camel toe without any legal repercussions.

Honestly, can you get any farther from the idea of good sportsmanship by bitching and complaining that you're not winning enough? The Canadian press and their daily reminders about how our athletes weren't winning any medals (like it was supposed to matter) was disgusting. Once again, our fucked up society has turned an ideal into just another chance to sell shit. No medals results in low TV ratings (because who really wants to watch someone lose, right?). No medals also means less high profile athletes to slap their names on sporting equipment and clothing brands.

And for those people who call for the government to fund athletes, fuck you too. Let's see ... homelessness is rampant, social funding is at an all time low, poverty is one the rise, gang warfare is getting worse, and it takes six hours for someone to see a doctor in an ER on a slow night. So the logical thing is to throw money at athletes so we can feel better about ourselves every four years because we had the best athlete at Judo. Anyone who drives down Hastings and looks out their window at one of North America's worst ghettos and talks about funding Olympic athletes is one cold motherfucker.

I propose we just euthanize the Olympics now, and put it out of its misery. Or, at the very least, rename it, because it's clearly not the Olympics as Pierre de Coubertin intended it to be nearly a hundred years ago. I suggest maybe "Jock Jam" or "Fuck-you-our-country-is-better Fest". I say we do away with the medals altogether and when one of the rich Western countries (who have the most money to throw away on government funded training facilities where highly privileged jock assholes can train 5 days a week for 4 years) win, the three winners stand on the podium where a scantily clad model painted in the respective medal color comes and fellates them* as they flip all the losing athletes the finger.

That way, the networks are guaranteed high ratings.

*We'd of course have to come up with a suitable equivalent for the female athletes -- perhaps a gift certificate for shoes or something.

Douche Chills Part I

Since I'm only recently back from vacation, I haven't had the time nor the inclination to maintain my current love/hate relationship with this blog. However, we must keep the troops entertained, and there's been a few things that have happened in the interim that has given me a dose of 'douche chills', so I thought I'd hit upon a few of these hard hitting issues for your bemusement and consideration.

Breastfeeding Mothers.

There's something about the miracle of parenthood that seems to complete scramble the neurons of previously perfect well-adjusted and sane people and turn them into raving, self absorbed assholes. No offense to all you new parents out there (and many of my friends fall into that category), but this Breastfeeding debate that seems to be raging in the local media really pisses me off. Honestly, just because you've managed to squeeze out a kid doesn't give you carte blanche to do whatever the hell you feel like in public. Personally, I don't have a problem with breastfeeding in public. Hell, women can whip their tits out whenever the hell they want as far as I'm concerned (in fact I'd further argue that it doesn't happen nearly enough, and that there should be some sort of civic by-law that dictates the whipping out of tits on a regular basis...). The thing that pisses me off is this notion that it's their right to be able to do it.

It's not your 'right', you lactating asshole. If you have the right to flash your funbags in the Mall, then it's my right to unzip and air my Johnson out (come on -- it gets sweaty down there, and anyone who's ever had the uncomfortable condition of 'batwings' on a hot summer day will understand the benefit of a little air once in awhile) while I'm waiting in line for frozen yogurt at the Food Fair.I could argue that I have the right to scratch my nuts at Bootlegger if I happen to get itchy ... but I don't because I have the common sense and decency to realize that perhaps, just perhaps, the 14-year old girl and her grandmother that are shopping for jeans most likely won't want to see me with my hands down my pants, scratching my nutsack.

Long and the short of it, some people don't want to see your tits. I do, but I'm just one person. What you have to remember is you're in a public space, and it belongs to all of us, not just you. I mean whatever happened to respect for those around you and a little consideration? You want everyone around you to go out of their way and accommodate you, but if someone dares to think that perhaps all the other people in the store don't necessarily want to watch you suckle your child, it's a human rights violation. Bullshit.

And don't give me that 'it's a natural and beautiful body function and no one should have a problem with it' argument. So's shitting in the public pool, and believe me -- that's frowned upon. And besides, if it's such a beautiful and natural process and you feel so strongly about it, why cover up? Come on, fire those puppies out and let's see whatcha got! After all -- it's only natural, right?

Don't get me wrong -- I agree with the notion that it's stupid for people to be hung about about breasts, and breastfeeding for that matter. This puritanical society that shuns sex but embraces violence is about as backwards as a society gets. But to argue that it's suddenly your right to just be able to do what you want whereever you want just because it's convenient for you to do so is self-centered and rude. Shame on you -- you're supposed to be role models for your children and instead you all come off as mewling whiny little crybabies.

Most Malls have spent millions on building 'Family Rooms' for this very reason, and even the 'Nazis' at H&M didn't kick anyone out for breastfeeding -- they merely offered the use of a back room. If I was shopping at H&M and was suddenly struck with the world's worst case of diarrhea, do you think for a second they'd let me use the employees' bathroom? Not in a million years, so don't give me this 'downtrodden Mothers' crap.

And what did H&M get for trying to accommodate this chick? They got vilified in the press and managed to draw the wrath of these hormonally driven milk squirters in the form of an impromptu protest (all this really did was garner H&M more publicity, so if the organizers of this event were trying to hurt the store in some manner, I'm positive that it actually backfired).

Shame on everyone involved in this stupidity -- especially in light of everything else that's wrong in this world. Next time you're worried about the rights of a bunch of middle class Yentas who are upset they can't shoe shop and nurse their young at the same time, stop and think about some of the real social problems facing our communities like homelessness, or the lack of funding for numerous social programs in BC.