Fuck.

If it was the 1700s, they'd be fitting me for a coffin. These days I just have to worry about the added expense of buying Grecian Formula.



'Nuff said.

I Love Pirates

I love Pirates.

This morning I made a pact with myself, mainly because it's Friday and I'm a bit bored at work today, that I would blog about the first news item I came across.

Here it is: Somalia's pirates seize 33 tanks

A topic quite close to my heart. Like many other kids, I loved Pirates growing up. Unlike many kids, I never outgrew it. When I took career counseling in High School, I was very dismayed at the fact that 'Pirate' was no longer a viable option.

Shows you what High School counselors know. As has come to light over the years, high seas piracy is alive and well -- just in another form. Rather than sloops and swords, it's now cigarette boats and RPGs. Awesome. And now they have tanks. Well done, although what the hell you're doing to do with 33 Russian tanks, I don't know (although the mind does reel at the possibilities).

It reminds me of my master plan of my early 20s. Myself and a compatriot of mine at the Dix Performance warehouse where I worked summers during college came up with a modern day pirating plan which consisted of finding an unoccupied Caribbean island to inhabit as a home base. From there, we'd prey on small pleasure vessels, plundering loot and stealing women in order to populate the island with a new generation of pirates. It looked great on paper, however finding an uncharted Caribbean island while working in a warehouse in Coquitlam is much harder than it sounds, and ultimately the plan was torpedoed by our lack of funds for a boat or bus fare to get to the Marina.

Too bad I'm past my Pirating Prime, with my 30s becoming a distant speck on the horizon. In fact, my life is rapidly becoming a song:



Fuck. Looks like these days I've have to be content with my skull and crossbones wallet and matching flag that hangs over our garden. To my Somali brothers, I'm with you in spirit. Best of luck with the pillaging and looting. Try to take it easy with the killing though -- we may be Pirates, but there's nothing wrong with kinder, gentler Pirates, just so long as we all get Booty in the end.

Political Profanity

Great job, Gordon.

Wow, clearly he's done it. We thought it nigh impossible, but our great Premier, Gordon Campbell, has solved every social, political, and even moral quandary facing our great province of B.C. Well done!

At least, he must have since, according to him, there's really no need for a Fall session of BC legislature. No pressing issues, he says. I guess all those hard working politicians we elected can just go back to the golf courses, drink their scotch, and bang their hookers, without worrying about all the messy issues facing the Plebes. Worry not, Gordo has it all under control, folks.

Now I'm no political analyst or social sciences expert, but last time I checked, East Hastings still looked like a South African shantytown from the Apartheid days, social services funding was still in the toilet, the welfare system was a joke, our hospitals were overcrowded and underfunded, and we're hosting a world class sporting event in two years. Clearly, there's nothing to do.

Or maybe Gordon is just thinking that the world is going to be destroyed by CERN's particle accelerator in a few weeks anyways. If that's the case, he's neglecting to take into account that Star Trek has taught us everything we need to know to fix breaks in the Space Time Continuum.

In any case, you're a douchebag, Gordon Campbell (excellent -- that should improve my Google stats .. I'm sure a lot of people are going to be searching for 'douchebag' and 'Gordon Campbell'). I hope you get eaten by wild coyotes.


And while I'm talking about politics, the US continues to get creepier and creepier as they nudge themselves ever closer to being a theocracy. The Right Wing Fundamental Christians who are in position (in fact it may be more than a little naive to assume they they are not already holding all the reins of power) to control one of the world's most powerful nations. And now there's this Palin chick, yet another hypocritical fundie nutjob, who is so eager to dictate what other people should hear, say, or do, yet can't even control her own daughter.

Not that I think they her having a 17 year old pregnant teenager should be held against her. Hey, shit happens, no matter what religion you happen to ascribe to. I'm sure trying to reign in a teenage girl in this day and age is a lot like trying to herd cats. But when it's one of the Religious Right, who are pushing to impose their beliefs and moral values on everyone else, then you're damn right that it becomes an issue.

Not to mention it pisses me off that she has a retarded baby. Now before everyone loses their mind and calls me a monster, I'm talking about the fact that, clearly, she's a woman who holds her career above her children. First because she's given them all fucked up names, but also as any Mother can tell you, raising a normal child is a full time job -- raising a Special Needs child is that times two. So what does she do? Why, accept the nomination for VP, of course. Perfectly rational choice for someone with strong family values, huh? I guess the Nanny can deal with little Trig while she's off at Camp David.

Let's just hope our neighbors to the South decide to do what I suspect Jesus would do -- vote for Obama.

Douche Chills Part II

The Olympics are Bullshit

Let me begin by saying, I like the Olympics. Ever since I was a kid, I enjoyed watching the Olympics and always got into the spirit of the event. I think the idea of the Olympics is a noble and valuable one -- an event that, once every four years, allows all the countries of the world to come together without political ideologies or conflicts entering into it, and play together as a global village. I love that idea.

That being said, the Olympics as they exist today, are bullshit. I'm so disgusted with what the Olympics have become in the past decade, I couldn't bear to watch more than an hour of coverage at a time.

The great thing about the Olympics was always been the spirit of the games and the fact that it wasn't all about winning -- the notion of sportsmanship and how the real honor of the Games was to compete at all. But, of course, people love a winner, so these days it's really just turns out to be all about who won.

What really pissed me off, though, is all the people who whined during the first week of the Games about how Canada hadn't medalled and sparked a debate regarding government funding for potential Olympians.

First of all, fucktards, the Olympics aren't supposed to be about winning. It's an ideal. It's about people performing to be the best they can, and competing and interacting against competitors from other countries, and expanding their worldview at the same time. It's supposed to be an opportunity to see other countries -- those countries that you hear named on the news every night -- as people as opposed to geographic regions. The Olympics are about sportsmanship, the idea of performing the best to your abilities, and world peace.

Now we've turned it into a fucking medal count and a chance for pedophiles to stare at 16 year old girls stuffed into tiny skin-tight leotards for any sign of camel toe without any legal repercussions.

Honestly, can you get any farther from the idea of good sportsmanship by bitching and complaining that you're not winning enough? The Canadian press and their daily reminders about how our athletes weren't winning any medals (like it was supposed to matter) was disgusting. Once again, our fucked up society has turned an ideal into just another chance to sell shit. No medals results in low TV ratings (because who really wants to watch someone lose, right?). No medals also means less high profile athletes to slap their names on sporting equipment and clothing brands.

And for those people who call for the government to fund athletes, fuck you too. Let's see ... homelessness is rampant, social funding is at an all time low, poverty is one the rise, gang warfare is getting worse, and it takes six hours for someone to see a doctor in an ER on a slow night. So the logical thing is to throw money at athletes so we can feel better about ourselves every four years because we had the best athlete at Judo. Anyone who drives down Hastings and looks out their window at one of North America's worst ghettos and talks about funding Olympic athletes is one cold motherfucker.

I propose we just euthanize the Olympics now, and put it out of its misery. Or, at the very least, rename it, because it's clearly not the Olympics as Pierre de Coubertin intended it to be nearly a hundred years ago. I suggest maybe "Jock Jam" or "Fuck-you-our-country-is-better Fest". I say we do away with the medals altogether and when one of the rich Western countries (who have the most money to throw away on government funded training facilities where highly privileged jock assholes can train 5 days a week for 4 years) win, the three winners stand on the podium where a scantily clad model painted in the respective medal color comes and fellates them* as they flip all the losing athletes the finger.

That way, the networks are guaranteed high ratings.

*We'd of course have to come up with a suitable equivalent for the female athletes -- perhaps a gift certificate for shoes or something.

Douche Chills Part I

Since I'm only recently back from vacation, I haven't had the time nor the inclination to maintain my current love/hate relationship with this blog. However, we must keep the troops entertained, and there's been a few things that have happened in the interim that has given me a dose of 'douche chills', so I thought I'd hit upon a few of these hard hitting issues for your bemusement and consideration.

Breastfeeding Mothers.

There's something about the miracle of parenthood that seems to complete scramble the neurons of previously perfect well-adjusted and sane people and turn them into raving, self absorbed assholes. No offense to all you new parents out there (and many of my friends fall into that category), but this Breastfeeding debate that seems to be raging in the local media really pisses me off. Honestly, just because you've managed to squeeze out a kid doesn't give you carte blanche to do whatever the hell you feel like in public. Personally, I don't have a problem with breastfeeding in public. Hell, women can whip their tits out whenever the hell they want as far as I'm concerned (in fact I'd further argue that it doesn't happen nearly enough, and that there should be some sort of civic by-law that dictates the whipping out of tits on a regular basis...). The thing that pisses me off is this notion that it's their right to be able to do it.

It's not your 'right', you lactating asshole. If you have the right to flash your funbags in the Mall, then it's my right to unzip and air my Johnson out (come on -- it gets sweaty down there, and anyone who's ever had the uncomfortable condition of 'batwings' on a hot summer day will understand the benefit of a little air once in awhile) while I'm waiting in line for frozen yogurt at the Food Fair.I could argue that I have the right to scratch my nuts at Bootlegger if I happen to get itchy ... but I don't because I have the common sense and decency to realize that perhaps, just perhaps, the 14-year old girl and her grandmother that are shopping for jeans most likely won't want to see me with my hands down my pants, scratching my nutsack.

Long and the short of it, some people don't want to see your tits. I do, but I'm just one person. What you have to remember is you're in a public space, and it belongs to all of us, not just you. I mean whatever happened to respect for those around you and a little consideration? You want everyone around you to go out of their way and accommodate you, but if someone dares to think that perhaps all the other people in the store don't necessarily want to watch you suckle your child, it's a human rights violation. Bullshit.

And don't give me that 'it's a natural and beautiful body function and no one should have a problem with it' argument. So's shitting in the public pool, and believe me -- that's frowned upon. And besides, if it's such a beautiful and natural process and you feel so strongly about it, why cover up? Come on, fire those puppies out and let's see whatcha got! After all -- it's only natural, right?

Don't get me wrong -- I agree with the notion that it's stupid for people to be hung about about breasts, and breastfeeding for that matter. This puritanical society that shuns sex but embraces violence is about as backwards as a society gets. But to argue that it's suddenly your right to just be able to do what you want whereever you want just because it's convenient for you to do so is self-centered and rude. Shame on you -- you're supposed to be role models for your children and instead you all come off as mewling whiny little crybabies.

Most Malls have spent millions on building 'Family Rooms' for this very reason, and even the 'Nazis' at H&M didn't kick anyone out for breastfeeding -- they merely offered the use of a back room. If I was shopping at H&M and was suddenly struck with the world's worst case of diarrhea, do you think for a second they'd let me use the employees' bathroom? Not in a million years, so don't give me this 'downtrodden Mothers' crap.

And what did H&M get for trying to accommodate this chick? They got vilified in the press and managed to draw the wrath of these hormonally driven milk squirters in the form of an impromptu protest (all this really did was garner H&M more publicity, so if the organizers of this event were trying to hurt the store in some manner, I'm positive that it actually backfired).

Shame on everyone involved in this stupidity -- especially in light of everything else that's wrong in this world. Next time you're worried about the rights of a bunch of middle class Yentas who are upset they can't shoe shop and nurse their young at the same time, stop and think about some of the real social problems facing our communities like homelessness, or the lack of funding for numerous social programs in BC.

Nurses are Great

Ok, it's been brought to my attention that perhaps the tone of my entries lately have been a bit negative. Well, priding myself on being an acerbic humorist, I'd say that should be no surprise -- that's just my style. However, I suppose I don't want to be completely pessimistic, caustic, and pissed off, so today I'll say a few words about a group of people who I think are unsung heroes within our society -- nurses.

Recently I spent some time in the hospital undergoing Septoplasty day surgery, and I was shocked and dismayed at just how much shit nurses take from miserable medicated patients. I mean, it's bad enough they have to literally clean up puke, pus, shit, blood, and piss almost everyday, but then they also have to fetch food, water, medication, adjust pillows and blankets, answer stupid questions, come running every time someone presses the damn call bell, and then to have to take some 90 old man's verbal abuse while helping him take a diarrheic shit ... that's something akin to sainthood.

Honestly, I don't know how they do it. I know I could never do it -- I'd have kinked up air tubes, unplugged those call bells, and slipped sleeping pills into the meatloaf within the first week. Then I suppose I'd be writing this from prison.

Think about it -- these women actually choose this as a career -- it's not even slave labor. They're not forced into it, and they come to work everyday with a smile and a cheery disposition for the people under their care. They do their best to make people who are scared or in pain to feel better, all while dealing with some of the grossest bodily fluids under the sun.

Pay nurses more, I say. Fuck teachers, brokers, IT guys, or anyone else who figures their job is tougher. Doctors and nurses should be the number 1 and 2 pay grades in our society. Hell, I say if you can combine the gentle healing arts of a nurse and the attire and looks of a Sammy J Peppers waitress, you have what would be perhaps the most valued and important profession on Earth.

So there you are, gentle reader, a positive entry. Mark it on your calendar. Tomorrow, we're back to bile.

Asshole of the Week

This week's honoree is the Mayor of Port Coquitlam, Scott Young, who today was sentenced toa 12-month conditional sentence for two counts of assault.

It seems back in 2007 this psycho got drunk, broke into his ex-girlfriend's garage, and assaulted her and her new boyfrind. Oh, and by doing this he also breached the restraining order that his ex had drawn up on him. In total he faced about 7 charges.

But here's the rub -- he's still the mayor. He's refused to step down, despite being an abusive drunk with clear anger management issues. I mean, this is the same type of guy you see clambering drunkenly over fences shirtless while trying to get away from a police dog every Saturday night on COPS.

I mean, Elliot Spitzer was all but run out of town on a rail for banging a prostitute, yet this guy is somehow allowed to remain in office. That seems crazy to me. Sure, maybe there's a huge difference between national and local scandals, but come on. Maybe it's just me, but Western society just seems to be conditioned to treat anything to do with sex far more seriously than violence. I guess if the Mayor had been caught getting a rimjob from a transsexual midget hooker, he'd have been kicked out of office by the weekend. The fact that he stalked, harassed, slapped around, and probably scared the shit out of another human being is nothing to hold against his political career, working for the people. Just don't piss him off.

And what are the repercussions of his actions you ask? A 12-month conditional sentence that is pretty much the equivalent of grounding. From 8pm to 6am, he's restricted to his house. Can you believe that? I mean, I've been living like that for 10 years, just without the ankle bracelet!

Anyways, congratulations Mayor Young. You're an asshole.

Alright, fine

Here's some new content -- something interesting I ran across today (ran across, not over -- that was last week).

It's cool. It's even warm and fuzzy, for all of those who are into such things.

Don't say I've never done anything for you.


Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

I'm busy

They say there's nothing worse in the world of the web than stale content. Well I wouldn't want to anger the Gods of the Web, so here's some fresh content for you.

I'm busy. No time to waste on you, gentle reader. Go get a life.

Asshole of the week

This week, meet Inderjit Singh Reyat. He's a mass murderer, terrorist, and all around fruitbar who is the only person ever convicted of the 1985 Air India bombing, which killed 329 people. He was the guy that built the bomb that killed every single person on board the plane.

This week this motherfucker (excuse the harsh language, kiddies, but in this case it's really the only word in the English language that even comes close to describing this piece of human garbage) was released on $500,000 bail and walked out of prison, smiling, after 20 years. That's right he was smiling. That's really enough to make this normally passive, non-violent and mostly level-headed citizen of Planet Earth want to tie this guy to a stake, line up every single relative of Air India Flight 182's victims and let that take a wack at him, then disembowel him and let wolves eat his intestines until he does everyone a favor and dies. Then burn him at the stake and take the ashes and place them at the bottom of a port-a-potty at a Monsters of Rock festival.

I'm not usually a drooling proponent for capital punishment, but in certain cases such as this one, I say it's time to send this dick shuffling off the mortal coil. You may think it's horrible to say, but I'm going to say it anyways. If I wake up next week and hear on the news that this bastard met with an unfortunate 'accident', I wouldn't blink an eye.

A little harsh you say? Well when you have some time just go to this web page for a listing of the passengers of Air India Flight 182.

I mean, good lord, this guy confessed to building the bomb that was planted on a plane filled with innocent people -- 329 of them to be specific. And our justice system released him on bail?? If this isn't a huge neon sign that our justice system is seriously in need of some changes, I'm not sure what is. Wake up.

So is this guy the asshole of the week? Actually, no. He'd be more like the asshole of the century. The asshole of the week is the unnamed person within our current Justice System that allowed this to happen. I don't know what your name is, what title you hold, or even the capacity in which you operate in this particular case. But you, sir, are an asshole.

I Hate Blogs

Let me just say right up front that I hate blogging. If ever there was a useless social, technological, or literary development, the blog is right up there with those shitty Dyno label makers. Or the Lite Brite. Oh, the anger induced in me when I consider all those hours wasted as a child plugging those fucking stupid pegs into the light board just so I could create a work of art that was a neon bunny, just to have to unplug all the pegs, sort them into their respective colors, and wipe said garish hare from existence, so I could move onto the next waste of time.

But I digress.

Ah, yes -- the uselessness of the blog. Not only is the blog an eyesore (have you seen some of these things? They look they were designed by a color blind impressionist painter that has been driven mad by Syphilis. Sorry sweetie, green does not really go well with orange, and none of the text on your page should blink unless of course you're trying to induce an epileptic seizure in your readers -- which may be fun, but probably have some legal issues attached to it) but it also clogs the pipes of the Internet with its steaming mass of irrelevant, erroneous, and downright retarded content. The greatest thing about the Internet has long been the access to Information and the fact that it has revolutionized the way in which we communicate and share information. Not anymore. Now we have a huge mass of garbage online and things have gotten so garbled, who can tell anymore what is reliable information and what isn't.

Now we have housewives using up valuable resources and broadband to broadcast an online list of crap that NO ONE CARES ABOUT. Guess what Joe Lunchbox, I really don't need to know the nuances of your day working you soul-sucking 9-5 office job and how much you hate your cubicle worker. No one cares about your opinion on which is better - Obama or Hilary. Kirk or Picard. Amalgam fillings or white composite. Disposible or cloth. No one. Oh, sure, your relatives and close friends will say how brilliant your 'blog' is, but I'm going to break some news to you that will rock your world harder than when you 12 year old sibling let you in on the fact that there was no Santa Claus -- they're just saying that. That's their job -- to blow smoke up their loved ones' asses. Sure, you may get some input from someone morbidly obese shut-in from a Southern State who leaves a comment about how they love your blog and how much they enjoyed the recipe for Macaroni Salad that you posted a few weeks back, but here's another news flash -- THEY'RE INSANE! No one -- I mean no one, who has a modicum of sanity about them surfs the Internet and finds, reads, and comments on blogs of people they don't know. Guaranteed. Those who do are unemployed, insane, or a combination of both. So they don't even count.

Then there's the word 'blog' itself. It's stupid. It never existed prior to the 21st century, and we sure as hell don't need it now. Blog. It sounds like onomatopoeia for the sound a woman makes when she's performing an act of love on the southern hemisphere of a man's body using her mouth. That's what I think of when I hear the word blog. Which isn't a bad thing, mind you, but doesn't really help me take them very seriously.

Now I will go on record and say that there are SOME legitimate blogs (tee hee) out there. These are writings by people who are actually well versed in the subject they're blogging (hehe) about who -- and stay with me here, Sally Housewife -- actually impart accurate and relevant knowledge to those that are looking for it. However, these are becoming more and more rare and hard to find as the sheer number of inane, pointless online 'diaries swells.

I can just hear the question rattling around in your brainpan: why oh why does someone who hates blogging have a blog? Well, in response to the latter, I'd say for the same reason someone who hates guns but lives in the 'hood would have a .45 in their nightstand. Self defense, baby. And, if you can't beat them, mock them. So, this I promise you, Gladys from Pocatello, Idaho who has just recently gone on disability and is addicted to back medication and is at this moment glassy-eyed and slack-jawed, preparing to write me a comment about how much she loves my Macaroni Salad -- I will endeavor to hunt down and mock blogs on a semi-regular basis. And just perhaps I'll do something hypocritical like helping clog the Internet with something that's irrelevant to the public at large. Or, who knows, maybe I'll post the cure for cancer.

Because, unlike Gladys, I have a job.