I Hate Blogs

Let me just say right up front that I hate blogging. If ever there was a useless social, technological, or literary development, the blog is right up there with those shitty Dyno label makers. Or the Lite Brite. Oh, the anger induced in me when I consider all those hours wasted as a child plugging those fucking stupid pegs into the light board just so I could create a work of art that was a neon bunny, just to have to unplug all the pegs, sort them into their respective colors, and wipe said garish hare from existence, so I could move onto the next waste of time.

But I digress.

Ah, yes -- the uselessness of the blog. Not only is the blog an eyesore (have you seen some of these things? They look they were designed by a color blind impressionist painter that has been driven mad by Syphilis. Sorry sweetie, green does not really go well with orange, and none of the text on your page should blink unless of course you're trying to induce an epileptic seizure in your readers -- which may be fun, but probably have some legal issues attached to it) but it also clogs the pipes of the Internet with its steaming mass of irrelevant, erroneous, and downright retarded content. The greatest thing about the Internet has long been the access to Information and the fact that it has revolutionized the way in which we communicate and share information. Not anymore. Now we have a huge mass of garbage online and things have gotten so garbled, who can tell anymore what is reliable information and what isn't.

Now we have housewives using up valuable resources and broadband to broadcast an online list of crap that NO ONE CARES ABOUT. Guess what Joe Lunchbox, I really don't need to know the nuances of your day working you soul-sucking 9-5 office job and how much you hate your cubicle worker. No one cares about your opinion on which is better - Obama or Hilary. Kirk or Picard. Amalgam fillings or white composite. Disposible or cloth. No one. Oh, sure, your relatives and close friends will say how brilliant your 'blog' is, but I'm going to break some news to you that will rock your world harder than when you 12 year old sibling let you in on the fact that there was no Santa Claus -- they're just saying that. That's their job -- to blow smoke up their loved ones' asses. Sure, you may get some input from someone morbidly obese shut-in from a Southern State who leaves a comment about how they love your blog and how much they enjoyed the recipe for Macaroni Salad that you posted a few weeks back, but here's another news flash -- THEY'RE INSANE! No one -- I mean no one, who has a modicum of sanity about them surfs the Internet and finds, reads, and comments on blogs of people they don't know. Guaranteed. Those who do are unemployed, insane, or a combination of both. So they don't even count.

Then there's the word 'blog' itself. It's stupid. It never existed prior to the 21st century, and we sure as hell don't need it now. Blog. It sounds like onomatopoeia for the sound a woman makes when she's performing an act of love on the southern hemisphere of a man's body using her mouth. That's what I think of when I hear the word blog. Which isn't a bad thing, mind you, but doesn't really help me take them very seriously.

Now I will go on record and say that there are SOME legitimate blogs (tee hee) out there. These are writings by people who are actually well versed in the subject they're blogging (hehe) about who -- and stay with me here, Sally Housewife -- actually impart accurate and relevant knowledge to those that are looking for it. However, these are becoming more and more rare and hard to find as the sheer number of inane, pointless online 'diaries swells.

I can just hear the question rattling around in your brainpan: why oh why does someone who hates blogging have a blog? Well, in response to the latter, I'd say for the same reason someone who hates guns but lives in the 'hood would have a .45 in their nightstand. Self defense, baby. And, if you can't beat them, mock them. So, this I promise you, Gladys from Pocatello, Idaho who has just recently gone on disability and is addicted to back medication and is at this moment glassy-eyed and slack-jawed, preparing to write me a comment about how much she loves my Macaroni Salad -- I will endeavor to hunt down and mock blogs on a semi-regular basis. And just perhaps I'll do something hypocritical like helping clog the Internet with something that's irrelevant to the public at large. Or, who knows, maybe I'll post the cure for cancer.

Because, unlike Gladys, I have a job.