I Love Pirates

I love Pirates.

This morning I made a pact with myself, mainly because it's Friday and I'm a bit bored at work today, that I would blog about the first news item I came across.

Here it is: Somalia's pirates seize 33 tanks

A topic quite close to my heart. Like many other kids, I loved Pirates growing up. Unlike many kids, I never outgrew it. When I took career counseling in High School, I was very dismayed at the fact that 'Pirate' was no longer a viable option.

Shows you what High School counselors know. As has come to light over the years, high seas piracy is alive and well -- just in another form. Rather than sloops and swords, it's now cigarette boats and RPGs. Awesome. And now they have tanks. Well done, although what the hell you're doing to do with 33 Russian tanks, I don't know (although the mind does reel at the possibilities).

It reminds me of my master plan of my early 20s. Myself and a compatriot of mine at the Dix Performance warehouse where I worked summers during college came up with a modern day pirating plan which consisted of finding an unoccupied Caribbean island to inhabit as a home base. From there, we'd prey on small pleasure vessels, plundering loot and stealing women in order to populate the island with a new generation of pirates. It looked great on paper, however finding an uncharted Caribbean island while working in a warehouse in Coquitlam is much harder than it sounds, and ultimately the plan was torpedoed by our lack of funds for a boat or bus fare to get to the Marina.

Too bad I'm past my Pirating Prime, with my 30s becoming a distant speck on the horizon. In fact, my life is rapidly becoming a song:



Fuck. Looks like these days I've have to be content with my skull and crossbones wallet and matching flag that hangs over our garden. To my Somali brothers, I'm with you in spirit. Best of luck with the pillaging and looting. Try to take it easy with the killing though -- we may be Pirates, but there's nothing wrong with kinder, gentler Pirates, just so long as we all get Booty in the end.

Political Profanity

Great job, Gordon.

Wow, clearly he's done it. We thought it nigh impossible, but our great Premier, Gordon Campbell, has solved every social, political, and even moral quandary facing our great province of B.C. Well done!

At least, he must have since, according to him, there's really no need for a Fall session of BC legislature. No pressing issues, he says. I guess all those hard working politicians we elected can just go back to the golf courses, drink their scotch, and bang their hookers, without worrying about all the messy issues facing the Plebes. Worry not, Gordo has it all under control, folks.

Now I'm no political analyst or social sciences expert, but last time I checked, East Hastings still looked like a South African shantytown from the Apartheid days, social services funding was still in the toilet, the welfare system was a joke, our hospitals were overcrowded and underfunded, and we're hosting a world class sporting event in two years. Clearly, there's nothing to do.

Or maybe Gordon is just thinking that the world is going to be destroyed by CERN's particle accelerator in a few weeks anyways. If that's the case, he's neglecting to take into account that Star Trek has taught us everything we need to know to fix breaks in the Space Time Continuum.

In any case, you're a douchebag, Gordon Campbell (excellent -- that should improve my Google stats .. I'm sure a lot of people are going to be searching for 'douchebag' and 'Gordon Campbell'). I hope you get eaten by wild coyotes.


And while I'm talking about politics, the US continues to get creepier and creepier as they nudge themselves ever closer to being a theocracy. The Right Wing Fundamental Christians who are in position (in fact it may be more than a little naive to assume they they are not already holding all the reins of power) to control one of the world's most powerful nations. And now there's this Palin chick, yet another hypocritical fundie nutjob, who is so eager to dictate what other people should hear, say, or do, yet can't even control her own daughter.

Not that I think they her having a 17 year old pregnant teenager should be held against her. Hey, shit happens, no matter what religion you happen to ascribe to. I'm sure trying to reign in a teenage girl in this day and age is a lot like trying to herd cats. But when it's one of the Religious Right, who are pushing to impose their beliefs and moral values on everyone else, then you're damn right that it becomes an issue.

Not to mention it pisses me off that she has a retarded baby. Now before everyone loses their mind and calls me a monster, I'm talking about the fact that, clearly, she's a woman who holds her career above her children. First because she's given them all fucked up names, but also as any Mother can tell you, raising a normal child is a full time job -- raising a Special Needs child is that times two. So what does she do? Why, accept the nomination for VP, of course. Perfectly rational choice for someone with strong family values, huh? I guess the Nanny can deal with little Trig while she's off at Camp David.

Let's just hope our neighbors to the South decide to do what I suspect Jesus would do -- vote for Obama.